If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
just gave your address to some spiders
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.