At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I needed a laugh this morning.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT