Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
79.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it