My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
wow he looks just like him
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.