Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
fired