Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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