I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
You Might Also Like
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF