I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!