My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Europe. Made in Germany.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Anyone really
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob