The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?