I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I mean…but I did
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.