You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I鈥檓 still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn鈥檛 have any
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don鈥檛 scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that鈥檚 enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the 鉁╝esthetic馃憚 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 馃槷
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 馃槀
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.