gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Weirdos gonna weird.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?