*praying for world peace*
God:
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?