Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Catercrombie & Fish
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
damn he’s good
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved