Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.