If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks