My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”