I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.