A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.