“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.