Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Would you wear it?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head