I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.