I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Planet of the Apps.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.