Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.