Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Breaking news:
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.