[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.