sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.