I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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But wait…
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.