When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*