hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
You Might Also Like
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*