are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
This is amazing.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases