Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You Might Also Like
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”