me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?