me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣