I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
when you don’t want to be too vague
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Cat.
Who called it baking and not making love
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.