That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*