You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶