If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.