Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees