Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
found my next D&D character name
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.