If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.