Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I hate everything
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants