Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You Might Also Like
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Not messing around
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.