GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.