Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.