Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances