If you love someone, let them sleep.
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
jesus, what did this guy do
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Worst perfume name ever.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
What the hell is going on?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”