I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”