Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I would like even faster food.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?